An Evening Reflection: Balancing Love and Chaos

VFJ Pilates | Musings

I am sat here late at night during the half term holiday, yet again on a Monday evening, with just my youngest. She is lively, boisterous, constantly moving, and tonight it is exhausting.

The house feels full, the chaos stretches endlessly, and every little thing requires effort: keeping up with her energy, managing the mess, stopping her from bothering the cat, and anticipating bedtime challenges. I love her dearly, adore her spark, her personality, her quirks, and the little moments of connection we share. She is already her own little person, a reflection of me in many ways, and though tonight is hard, there is love and life in every wild movement.

And then I think of my eldest. He is not with me for the moment; he changed his mind and opted for a sleepover, and I feel the weight of the holidays pressing in. I miss the quiet moments, the easy companionship, the shared jokes, the sense of calm he brings. I miss having him here, and a part of me wishes I could always balance the whirlwind of my youngest with the easiness of my eldest. It's a strange mix of exhaustion, longing, and love, all swirling together in one evening.

It's not just the noise or the mess from the younger one that brings the sadness and contemplation; it’s the tug-of-war that life has become, the way everything seems to pull him in different directions. I wonder if I am part of the problem, if my choices, my schedules, or my tiredness are adding to his load. I worry that everything is my fault: do I force his hand, do I exert too much pressure, am I controlling him instead of nurturing him...

He is older and bigger now, nearly ready for high school, but at the same time he still seems so small and carries too much for a little boy: the expectations from both homes, the rules that differ depending on whose turn it is, the subtle, or possibly not so subtle, pressures of trying to make everyone happy. I want to protect him from the chaos, to shield him from the complexities that grown-ups deal out so freely and carelessly, but I also know that isn’t entirely possible.

I fretted constantly that I wouldn't have room to love another child when I was pregnant with his sister, and I hope that, even amid the mess and mistakes, he always knows how deeply he is loved.

I am trying to learn, I am trying to do better... and I hope he understands that, even if the road is not perfect, we will find our way together.

— Victoria

#VFJPilates #Musings #WhimsicalWellbeing #ParentingReflections #DivorceJourney #HalfTermThoughts #BalancingLoveAndChaos #ParentingChallenges #FamilyLife #EmotionalReflections #ParentingAfterDivorce

Sources:

www.vfjpilates.co.uk